Astronaut Eggs

A couple weeks ago I ate some scrambled eggs. These weren't your normal run-of-the-mill scrambled eggs, though. From the photos you can see that these eggs were special. They were "Perfectly Portioned for Weight Loss" or so the container claims. However, this isn't what made the eggs so different from regular eggs. These were in a convenient wax-coated paper container.

Our church acquires lots of food given to it by several organizations. Most of this food is redistributed through the church's food pantry called Hand Extended Ministries, but sometimes they have a surplus of food that is either past its expiration date or the food is one that has to go quickly before it goes bad like fruit, bread, etc. About a month ago, the church was given four over-sized pallet boxes full of this diet food. There were probably 50 different kinds of food available, but all nutrisystem brand. I wasn't too choosy. I just grabbed a bunch that looked interesting. The scrambled eggs sounded gross but intriguing nonetheless. I had to try them.

Upon getting home with them I was considerably less brave. However, I finally came around when the intrigue became too powerful to contain any longer. I did what all good cooks do and read the entire directions before taking the first step. I opened the package and found powder (see photo). "What?", I thought. I'm not sure what I had been expecting, but it wasn't powder, I guess. Feeling like I'd come too far to turn back now, I added the water as directed and stirred. After the first 30 seconds of penetrating the soupy mess with microwaves, I took it out to stir again, again as directed (see photo of soupy mess).

I put it back in the microwave for its second 30-second session of radiation injections, but this time I was sure that the whole project was a flop. Nothing was going to happen and there was no way that I was going to be drinking some disgusting gritty orange liquid. I needed to lose a few pounds, but this wasn't even the motivation to eat this stuff in the first place. So, just as I was deciding to turn the water and garbage disposal on, a strange thing happened. I spotted a solid bulging mass of fluffy eggs rising out of the container inside the microwave like one of those black snakes we would watch on Independence Day when we were kids. The very moment that the counter reached zero I jerked out the miracle eggs and took a photo. But even with my cat-like reflexes and my top-of-the-line camera (I must be in a hyphenating mood or something) I was still unable to capture the mass at its amazing climactic peak. It quickly retracted back into the cup not unlike a scared turtle (see fluffy turtle-like-retracted eggs in cup photo).

After dishing out the eggs they looked, felt, and smelled like regular scrambled eggs. So, without hesitation, I salted and peppered them and forked a fluffy clump of black-snake-fireworks-yet-turtle-retracted-like-once-upon-a-time-powdered eggs into my mouth. They were pretty good. And, a decent portion, I might add.

Posted in: comedy,food